The Illusion of Belonging and the Hidden Cost of Gossip
I was recently invited onto a podcast and asked how to develop a “growth mindset.”
If I am being brutally honest, I stopped reading self-help and growth mindset books a long time ago. What I shared on the show didn’t come from a theoretical framework; it came from living it. True growth isn’t a morning routine or a life hack. It is a ruthless audit of the rooms you sit in.
The Illusion of Belonging
I was in a toxic circle for years without knowing it. The trap of a toxic circle is that when you are inside it, it doesn’t feel toxic—it feels like belonging. Complaining about clients, junior staff, or the market gets dressed up as banter, and bad experiences become shared jokes.
You think this is just how work friends bond. But there is a brutal, simple test.
After you leave the meeting, the dinner, or the Slack huddle, ask yourself: How do I feel right now? If a circle leaves you consistently drained or just replaying cynical thoughts, it is not a support system. It is a trap.
Forgetting How to Build
Being inside a toxic circle does something very specific to your brain: it shifts your focus entirely outward.
When all your conversations are about other people’s failures, drama, or incompetence, you completely forget how to build.
You stop talking about your own strategy, upgrading your skills, or fixing your own systems. You don’t notice the absence right away; you just notice, eventually, that time has passed and nothing has changed. The toxic circle didn’t take anything from you directly. It just occupied the space where progress would have lived.
Watch the Fixers
Growth requires finding someone smarter than you and paying close attention. This doesn’t have to be a formal mentor; it can be a manager, a project lead, or a peer you observe from a distance. Don’t just listen to their advice—watch how they operate.
When a system breaks, do they take responsibility or hunt for a scapegoat?
Get closer to the people who fix the friction instead of just pointing at it. Surround yourself with the ones who leave you thinking, “I want to think like that,” rather than, “I’m glad that’s not my problem.”
The One Question Worth Asking
You don’t need a growth mindset reading list.
You just need one honest question, asked consistently after every significant interaction:
Is this room building me up, or quietly keeping me small?
Your answers over time will tell you everything you need to know.
Lokman / BIKIN
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